Wedding

Of course not mine. It was an a-hole cousin's wedding which I didn't intend to go, but was persuaded to.

I felt uncomfortable during the whole wedding. Very uncomfortable. I never enjoy large group of people and loud noise, and worst of them all semi-strangers. Family members that you usually meet on annual basis, once a year. Some of them I know for life, but it's so painful to not remember some of their names. I was too young when I get along with them. But for a long time, since middle school, I'm disconnected from them. I didn't like seeing these people. It was not that they're not nice. It was that I felt too strange and awkward and uncomfortable. It seemed like the opposite of what they intend for me: make me feel at home and comfortable. However, I feel most comfortable when I'm silent, alone, and in a big empty house.

So that uncomfortableness was the same as before. Yet I might acted differently this time. I used to be a coward; going out to greet everyone with my parents as they wish, and pretend to suit different people's appetite; smile, shake hands, stay quiet and cute, or wish them good health, and the semi-strangers would show a grin and say 'good boy'. It was disgusting. So this time, I acted like a man. Oh my god, such manliness. Well in fact, I like some of them and I greeted some of them. I dislike some of them and I refused to greet them. I didn't do what I didn't want or like.

There were too much complicating feelings. I didn't know many people. Although I could remember faces, I couldn't tell their names. I left my city 4 years ago. Only now did I realize it has been 4 years long. I didn't want to care in these 4 years, so I didn't know what they have been up to, and they didn't know what my life has been like. I imagined that some of them may picture me as a 'dumb ass lucky kid who got little money to study abroad and think himself above others'. I was never that. It was simply because the different worlds we live in. It's true that financially I may be in advantage. But even so, I also have my own difficulties, different ones. And most importantly my attitude was never to look at my family members from a higher angle. Well, this was just imagination. I don't believe they are this kind of people either.

Yet, it made me happy. I was very happy to see an uncle. Very happy to see the elders. I have tendency to enjoy the existence of babies and elders. It's an Asian thing. But I only care for babies of my closely related family. I do respect most elders though. But the elders in my family? They're absolutely loved. I love the elders too. I smiled the truest from the bottom of my heart. They deserved every pureness of my joy for them, because I didn't know if I would get a next time. On the other hand, these semi-strangers I met in the wedding reminded me who I was and am. They're the nicest possible people in the world I know. They sometimes make me wonder the meaning of nice. It comes too naturally and I take for granted. Deep down I care for many of them. They have been through difficult situations, the older and darker times. They have worked hard. They are real people. They care for me. I didn't think up words to say to them. I wasn't nice enough to match up with them.

I… a part of me miss them and regret for what I haven't done. Another part of me says that even if the clock rewire I would still do the same.

#RealistsJournal