Outrun the Stress (Some Updates on My Life)

It has been tough. That's the four words to summarize my life in the past few months.

Today is probably the last few days of SWOT VAC (exam weeks), and I already have finished exams last Thursday. Official holidays are coming soon.

Since last Thursday, I have still been drowning in the lingering pain of this semester. It was a terrible semester. By the end of it, I probably only got through two courses. Yes, two. I dropped one course, and failed one course, because I messed up the due date and almost had a breakdown. And I believe some consequences will follow. It was tough. I had No Idea What I Was Doing this semester. I was stressed, worried, afraid, and disorientated. Where was my motivation, goals, and meanings?

An existential crisis. I can probably call it that.

Communication, Understanding, and Service. Two of three are missing in my life. I hid up behind the walls of solitary. Being alone gave me comfort, but at the same time it was where anxiety originated. Anxiety for socializing, for uni, for future career. These are the three most important things for me now, and I'm too afraid to do them. Can I really work in this field? Am I really capable? I always ask these questions.

Anyways, I found a way to drive away these feelings. That was World of Warcraft. It was the memory and passion of the younger me. I picked it up again, except that it is in English this time. It makes a huge difference, as it is the original language. I felt like reconnecting to the source of my childhood, and interact with the English gaming environment. Of course, it was still gaming, but it is no longer the same and as simple as the good old days. I also wanted to be more comfortable with English and make friends. I still spent a lot of time on WoW, but it wasn't as irresponsible as before. Of course during my assignments and exam weeks, I only use it as a relief. And I definitely did a good job and it actually helped me through some difficult times.

Well, it has been too long in the dark, and I decided to go for an early morning run today (6 am). Yes, it was great. If anything can cure mental stress, a morning run, fresh air and the smell of grass, a cup of coffee, and some reflection will do a great job. Later I am going to pick up my philosophy books again, as the lacking of philosophy this semester is very likely why I was depressed.

This holidays hold nothing but time for me, which is getting more and more precious. I don't get much time anymore in the future. I'm scared of the concept of going alone into interviews and workplace, or no where to go except home. I don't know. But this holidays, I hope it will be good.

#RealistsJournal