Tokyo Left Something in Me

It wasn't until this picture, did I realize what Japan has done to me. I miss this place.

In February this year, I went to Japan. Osaka. Kyoto, Nara, Fujiyoshida, and Tokyo. It wasn't an epic journey, but it definitely was something beautiful. I couldn't say I totally enjoyed it, because it was exhausting. My preferring travel style would be slow, relaxing, and of course less packed with new places and experience. However, no matter what, I was very very grateful for my friend Andy. He gave me a place to stay for over a week, took me to cities, theme park, temples, landmarks, and see the symbolic mountain of Japan. We were basically together 24/7. It was quite intimate. XD

We had so much memorable experience together: Seeing Mt Fuji for the first time, eating ridiculously terrible Japanese food (it was hilarious), riding a night bus from Osaka to Tokyo, playing the Harry Potter ride in Universal Studio Japan. Omg, there were so much great memories. But none of these things had left such an impact on me as the night in Tokyo.

Tokyo Tower.

It was the second night in Tokyo before we went back to Osaka. On that day, we met my friend's ex-girlfriend. He still loved her, but like all sad romantic stories and movies, they couldn't be together anymore because of fate and reality. The details of what we did that day were not important. The important thing was that night when we were both exhausted, the night sky fell heavily on me. And my friend was depressed.

Skytree from below.

We dragged our bodies to the Tokyo Skytree. The tower was covered in LED lights. Blue was the color that I remember. Very pretty indeed. It was the feeling of the whole Japan trip combined: wintry, cold, quiet, civilized, beautiful yet melancholy. Climbing up the Skytree on elevators to the top of the city, I was lifted, literally and spiritually. There were two decks on the building: a lower and a higher ones. We paid for the higher deck, just so to be on top of the world. My friend was probably accustomed to the scene on Skyree, as he had been there serval times. But for me, it was my first, and it was stunning. The music they were playing was Mariah Carey's Without You, and other similar sad songs. That was bad, because all these feelings were overwhelming. I would describe it as suicidal blue. But luckily we had each others' company. That was the only thing that warmed up the whole tone of the night. Comforting words and friendship. We talked about relationships and our future for the rest of the night. Complicating feelings put my friend in dilemma and difficult choices. I tried to help, but I had my own problems. Or maybe that's why I could help at the first place. I wouldn't want him to go through what I did: losing someone while you still have feeling for them.

That was my friend in the photo, not me.

Being on top of Tokyo, a city that is so populated, world famous, and full of history. I felt lost. I was lost in this city, I was lost in my past relationships, I was lost in my future directions. I was no one, and had no love life. I was and still am too afraid to take new and bigger steps. I was anxious to meet people, build new relationships, find my path and career. I was stuck in this place, thinking to myself that I was on top of the world. I was afraid that terrible things might repeat themselves or I would become a complete stranger to who I was. I couldn't handle it. For I couldn't see it clearly, I couldn't talk about it, and so I suppressed it. It became the blue and melancholy that slipped into my soul, buried ocean deep. I carried it with me from Japan to China, from China to Australia, from February to July.

Raindrops on my windows.

I wasn't very happy for the past few months, I wasn't sad either. It was melancholy indeed. It was just me seeing that as time goes by, things are only getting worse. I was stuck in this space and with these people. Every year in Brisbane, I get to make fewer and fewer friends. Every semester I make one or two friends, and after the semester we don't see each other again. There are just no motivation and energy to keep these connections. And I'm becoming less and less outgoing and social. I stay up all night to study and do assignments during the semester, and play video games for the other time. I locked myself up and just want to drug myself with whatever that makes me happy. My study went awful this semester. The worst is that I don't really care. I don't know if things are really going to be worse and worse every year. But I do know that I have one more year in Australia, and things will be very different by the end of it. Next semester, I feel like it's going to be very productive, and it has to be. I will be doing four courses of my major and interest. I hope it will drag me out of this mystery.

Now that I have realize the impact of Japan, whether or not it is the source of my melancholy, I hope it will release me a bit. I need to keep on hoping. And whoever reading this, you need to keep on hoping too. Hope is a way of life. Life is good, full of surprises and new experience. Go on and smile. Happiness is one of the meanings of life. By the way, I still miss Japan, and my friend. I need to go again.

#RealistsJournal #Trips