Blood (Haematuria)

Some possibilities are dreadful when they are on the darker end of the spectrum. Blood is still dripping, while I wait until any one of these possibilities comes true. The suspense kills me slowly. Although the powerful mind can actualise imagination, I dare not to underestimate the cause. Equally, overestimation can also suffocates life even faster than it supposes to be. I should live as I have been as if nothing has happened. Imagine if I have only one more week to live, what will I do?

However, merely one day in life can be a glimpse into a whole life. These short breaks and reliefs between stress and uncomfortableness are miniature reflections of life's finer moments. I still felt happy today for people's random kindness and smiles. But like pain and suffering, they are also temporary. The extension of these episodic feelings and experiences are what we call life. Am I not right?

If this would be my end, I would slowly and eventually accept it with tears. If this would be it, my journey would stop here where I still don't know where to go, what to do with my life. If I would do something meaningful, I wouldn't want to die, but as for now I still don't know my future. On the contrary, if I would do something mediocre, what difference would I make whether I live or die? If I die, I would die a coward, a total loser. Losing family and friends, and hurting them are shameful. I do make a difference if I live though, for people who love me and whom I love. If this turns out to be a false alarm, I shall laugh so very hard. Shall I continue my old habits? Shall I change something? If yes, then what should be changed?

As for now I still don't know, and I'm very worried.

#RealistsJournal