Beginning My Master Degree

Time feels increasingly tightening. The world is zooming in.

I've started walking a path that I'm not yet ready to take, even though I know this is one of the correct paths. I'm torturing myself - not sleeping, not ceasing to think, drowning in anything that may temporarily numb the pain - for partaking a study that I'm not interested in and deeply uncomfortable by. Though I know that what I do now corresponds exactly with my shortcomings, turns on my capability and potentials, and engages with my personality and mentality. Even with the upsides, let alone a certificate upon graduation that may advantage me in the future, my current self is retreating.

A time has passed and I've missed another opportunity. Was it anxiety and fear of social situation, or of expression, or of being confirmed that I'm after all not that problematic? Ongoing struggles have always been the drive of my intense interest in philosophy or psychology which I draw great pleasure and meaning from by understanding the human condition and experience through personal encounter and close interpretation. It's almost like I'm subconsciously pulling myself towards certain situations that guarantee struggles and problems. I suffer in pain yet I welcome them; that's the proper way to put it. I've formed my identity around this feature of my personality, thinking proudly of my 'uniqueness'. One suggests counseling professionals, but there's no point in healing a person if he doesn't want to be cured.

I thought of death very recently, not in a depressing way nonetheless. Death is inevitable, and rather unpredictable. Grief always accompany death, but something else follow - legacy. If every meaning that can be derived from this life revolves around people, what we leave behind for our friends and family can also be meaningful, particularly meaningful. A diary that speaks about your loved ones, a photograph that captures a time in space, or a piece of music that still echoes your voice and memory. Some artefacts however, transcend into public legacy. That's the highest and noblest meaning that a person can derive and offer. A saying goes 'live each day as if it was your last day'. Now I have understood it more closely.

Today, professor Jordan B Peterson has taught me a lot - the circumenbulation of the self, the attitude to failure and success, perspective and the process of learning. Below is one of the best speeches that I've watched from Peterson in which he talks about those things I mentioned. For now I'll try not to pathologise my mentality and behavior. Instead I must recognise my vicious circle of being, and be willing to fail light-heartedly.

#IdealistsJournal