Packing and Unpacking

I feel like disappearing into the frozen mountains, or a boreal forest, but I’m also afraid of dying. The thought of exploring and reconnecting with nature is always fascinating, but the reality of it is kinda terrifying. I don’t think I really wanted to be in nature. I like the fantasy of nature, the comfort of being in a quiet environment where no artificial sound or human language is heard. So that I can really hear my own voice, listen to my creativity.

More than 6 years I’ve been in Australia. I’ve had more than enough of the country. Although it feels like something incomplete - my endeavour that started 6 years ago failed to reach the goal, staying on will no longer make me happy. I hated my studies, I hated the past 4 years, especially last year. And now my neighbours won’t even give me peace and quiet.

Why don't I wanna be here anymore? It's a rather complicate question.

Rationally, the future that I'm seeing now is but a reflection of my past and present, so pushing through a few more years might change everything. But emotionally, judging from my instincts, nothing is right about what I am doing: spending too much resource on a tremendous struggle for a potentially better option that I might not take - an option that disadvantages me as a Chinese person as physically and culturally different from that of the Australian society. The dominant culture and language sideline mine. Considering into the far future of my children, I wouldn't want them to grow up in an environment where they're at risk of being discriminated, bullied, and troubled-with-their-identity. Honestly, Asian diaspora who are born and raised in a foreign country are so weird. Besides, I'm not interested in the idea of going back to school and becoming a part of the government's machine.

My chapter in Australia is coming to a closure. I guess finally, I no longer need to force myself to do something that I don't like. Soon I can follow my instinct and interest.

#RealistsJournal